don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
