I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
