Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
