This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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