Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
