drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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