i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The uberlube is also flammable
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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