so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
