oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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