New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
