I need to stop coming to work sober
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We don't watch enough power rangers
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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