I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
