My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
