Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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