Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
