my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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