If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
