His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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