you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
