I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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