The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
