Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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