You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
