Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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