Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How's work?
Spinning.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
