Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
