I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
