she was so not down for the gang bang
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
