I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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