The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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