finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
NoShamevember. You game?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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