You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
