You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
