Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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