So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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