you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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