Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
