dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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