she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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