he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You pole danced in your parka.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
