Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
