He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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