I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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