i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
