I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
