my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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