the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
