The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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