my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
