Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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