sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
