i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
